halloween 2008: i should have worked instead of requesting off, only to sit in a lawn chair in a pirate costume for 30 minutes and watch kids (or slutty, teenage girls) trick or treat.


:/




byebye halloween, helllllllllllllllllllllllllllo thanksgiving!

i don't understand how you are changing so much. i dont get it. are you telling me that you don't think about all the things we did together? are you telling me you don't remember or care to think about all those good times we had and we were happy? i just dont know how you are keeping your cool, because i am about to lose mine. i just can't tell you any of this because the words don't come out when i am talking to you. i act like i am over it and cool with it all.



fyi: i am not. and i probably never will be.

now i know why i should not have ever done that.


i wish i had a camera to record myself that night and watch it play back. i am so scared. i can barely remember what i saw in my head. i am sorry for scaring everyone and being such a hassle but i thought my life was about to end. i could feel it. wait- no i couldnt considering i could not feel a thing. or taste (which was completely weird...trying to eat a fry but it felt like a was eating mashed potatoes and i couldnt swallow them, so the potatoe part of the fry was just chillin' in my mouth?) 


never again will i be so dumb, because now i have to live with the pain of the memories.

but i am too lazy to walk upstairs. not healthy, i know i know.









i feel like sitting on a rooftop with a boy-i mean guy and cuddling with him, keeping me warm all while drinking some strawberry vanilla tea. i want this guy to be a friend and a lover. like i once had. after $%^&* i feel like i wont be able to find anyone as perfect as i thought $%^&* was. he was my best friend and boyfriend and i THOUGHT that things could not be better. apparently i was mistaken.



thanks a whole-fucking-lot for a perfect relationship that probably won't even be again. thanks a whole-fucking-lot for making my heart so molded into what i want. 


dear self,
   get over it.

love,
   self 

 i have become way too lazy then i would like to be.

i want summer just so i can sit and do NOTHING.

wow. i haven't updated in like. ferrrrever. i really don't feel like writing out my entire past few months. so, ya know what? I WON'T. :D
ive been good. and bad. and all that in between.

i think too much. i think (haha) that's why i feel as if i don't write as much as i would want on here-because i would pretty much be writing a novel. therefore, i have just not wrote at all. thats dumb to do though. fuck. i think wayyyy too much.

tomorrow i have no plans. i will be home this weekend, which isn't exactly my preference for particular reasons.
i think my dad is watching the antique roadshow. hahah.

actually i do care. i care i care i care. i wanna learn how NOT to care. fuck. fuck. fuck.
boys are lame. girls are dumb. school has taken over my mindset. my mindset is fucking ridiculous. my right hand is colder than my left. my back hurts. i feel fat. i feel like nothing will help the mood i've been in. i don't want to be home this weekend. i don't want to do anything, in fact. i just want to SIT. and RELAX. and have someone trustworthy next to me telling me everything will be okay.

fuck this. fuck this. fuck this.

i need more time to write than i have available.

-friday-i came home and mom and jackass werent home. big suprise there. i ended up super-cleaning my room. i had to let baylee and jackie in around 7pm. jackass and mom didnt get home until 7:30pm (drunk, of course). baylee got extremely yelled at for lying about her grades. my mom had no room to butt in and yell like she did. i came up with a name for my mom. "scary carrie." AHAH. it made me laugh.

-saturday-did nothing all day. vicky came and picked me up after her job and i slept at her house. ive come to realize she can not juggle her boyfriend and me at the same time. i forgave her though.  i think i would have been better off staying at home that night, however.

sunday-came home from vicky's. sunday...was okay. i went over kevin's and hung out there for 4 hours. then came home. mom and jackass werent home and came home drunk.  i just blasted my music and barely talked.  that's not unusual for me at home, lately though.

monday-blah. boring ass day.

tuesday-AMAZING. vicky's birthday. she picked me up with her mom and we went to tres for dinner. then went to giant eagle and dairy queen. thennnn to her house. longggggggg story short---best day in while!

today-eh. so/so. forgot my alg. book in my locker. guess i can't do my homework.

went to school. its was a boring day.
i came home. did homework kinda. dad picked me up and we went to lube stop then taco bell. went back to his place and ate there.
dad bought shit off of bodyartforms.com and he got to choose a free item. i had 12g earrings in for the longest time, and dad and i agreed that i could go up to a 10g. so, he picked the only 10g plugs and i can fit them in! they look nice. i'll take a picture. i just don't know what size to stop at. i defffff wont be having huge holes. whatever. it's not important right now. i just wanted to write about something?

but like i said...today was boring.

it's been so long since iv'e updated this.
i think that if i start updating again, it will help me think things out...which is what i need to do.
i am currently single after a 4 month relationship with my best friends. i guess not everything works out the way i wish it would. being single is weird and just...weird. i don't like it.  i also don't like the way ive been feeling lately. i feel like i am confused about life. i am overly worried about the lamest things-thank you very much panic disorder, thank you. 
it's 6:18pm. i have to go home at 7:00. 
i wish i could just write and write until i could not write anymore. even if i did that, i would still feel like i havent accomplished what i wanted too, even if i don't know what i would have aimed to accomplish anyway! i have an issue when i write. my tenses are always fucked up. sorry, reader. 
tomorrow is halloween. there isn't an automatic spell checker on this. i need one. anyway-this will be my first year not trick-or-treating. i am still dressing up though! im gunna be a hippie. :)
i think i am going to start restriction again. 1,2,3-starting now. restriction is in process. this is going to be hard. lets hope i can keep with it. 

life is crazy. this is all for now.

pizza was good.


but like i was saying, people! omg. they just stand around in walmart like lifeless zombies! i felt like running them over with a 394802398409384 carts.
after walmart we went home.
mom called earlier. she said i went wayyyyy over last month's mins. whoops. kill me.
i have to pay the damn $30 though. fuck that.

idk. nothing else really. 
im gunna eat dry cheerios and sugar later while watching roseanne.

dkncfjnrweljcuwh3efciunhwdxcuwh.

that is how i feel. 
i have now lived in the same hoodie for almost 48 hours. the weather is pure SHIT.
school starts in like 3 days. i'll do my essay tomorrow but i have no idea how good it will be.
my alarm was set for 7:30am but i slept until 8:00am. 
it was storming when i got up, and that is what woke me up. thank god it did because my alarm didn't go off.
i did gay chores (because it's a rule that chores must be done before i do anything) and made hot chi tea. 
i got dressed and grandparents picked me up.
we went to amish country. had lunch. went to some crazy ass menonite circular painting museum place. 
then they took me to walmart to buy school supplies. 
i HATE people. they are so ignorant. 

i'll finish this after dinner. 
pizza is here. :/

it's pouring out. it has been pouring out since like 4am. dad is in the shower and i have to get in after. we are going to stan hywet hall toady. im actually kind of excited. i like it there.
i am fucking pisseddddd X 329048. the weather out here is like its october. its COLD. and pouring like i said. so much for getting some color before school. now, i am not condradicting my other entry about frying. i just don't want to look like mashed potatoes on my first day. i suppose my bronzer will work though. :D shhhh.

gahhhh. dad is out.
i gotta go shower.


grandparents tonight for dinner.

some girls enjoy deep frying themselves. sure, a nice golden tan is good. im not so sure frying your skin and hair is.

gross gross gross.
you WILL die of skin cancer you leathery pieces of slut cake.

turns out we went to tumbleweed instead. fucking yum, let me tell you. i got the southwet panini thing. and a side salad. and a diet pepsi with a lemon. dad got the same but a strawberry margarita. he let me share half of it! hahah. then we went "grocery shopping" but since dad is a single man living on his own he barely bought anything. we did buy cereal straws though. those things are good.

so. this is pretty much like my 3rd or so livejournal. ha, lets see how long this one goes for.
school starts in...like 5 or 6 days or something. i don't feel like counting. i still have one more essay to do for AP american history. i'll do it on tuesday. after my essay is done with i'll be excited for school. i still have to read common sense and the declaration and other historical documents. i figured i would just wikipedia them. hahah.
i so need a shirt for the first day. i have no idea what to wear. whatever. i'll think about it later.
last night was super fun. i went to the mall with vicky. we got our nails done. we went to johnny rockets. we went to the lotto store. we petted gerbils and rabbits! we, well...i, confused the hell out of the gay gay at american eagle. ahahah. we got starbucks. we blasted good music on the way home. i havent hung out with just vicky at the mall since...the bad days. it was nice.
today is saterday. dad woke me up at noon. i watched tv and ate waffles. then watched more tv. then went on the computer. then made my 3rd consecutive livejournal. now i really should be getting myself ready. i think dad and i are going to ruby tuesdays for dinner. then we have to go grocery shopping.
i just keep thinking about school. i have a full schedual and mostly honors classes. im afraid of failure and i think i am thinking to much about this.
dad intorduced to toni childs. shes a nice singer.
tomorrow i am going to stan h. with dad, donna, autumn and dee.  i kind of wish it was just dad and i.
i seem to be my dad's best friend since the breakup. i really like it this way. i can tell him everything. and with not having a mom i can talk to (i have a mom, but we have a weird relationship.) it feels good having him to talk to.

i better go. i need to get dressed and shit.
i'll write later.